Mindfulness is…


Slowing down.

Living in the moment.

To be mindful is to be free. Happy Independence Day.


Trying Again. – 192.7

I think I got down to 169 two years ago and then life got bad as so I ate back up to 190.

I’m trying again with Saxenda. I think it did some internal damage the first time around; I get bad heartburn even when I’m not on it.

What even worse though is the discrimination. Things wouldn’t be as bad if could just be alone, without others around but, I can’t. I’ll have to get thin so I can deal with them. I’m tired of being discriminated against. Even by fat people. They’re the worst. Therese a special place in hell for them.

I meet with my doctor on Aug 1 and I have to have lost 4% to keep getting prescribed the meds (10 lbs). It took me awhile to get the medication from my pharmacy. I’m really behind. However it’s a goal to shoot for.

I’ll weigh myself in the morning and then we’ll get started.

174.4 lbs. 

Not headed in the right direction. The medicine isn’t working the same. I’m also so tired that I don’t want to work out. 

I miss being young. I would’ve had something to look forward to that would’ve served as big milestone. None of that, anymore. 

My 30s have sucked. Hard. I’m not looking forward to 40. I don’t think change is possible anymore. 

5 seconds.

I’m back on sax – took 1.2 today and could immediately feel a difference. My appetite is gone and my cravings for sweets all but vanish. It’s like it gives me back control of myself. I desperately need it as I don’t have control over anything else in my life.

That’s why I’m going to focus on fitness. I can run, jump (sorta) and lift. That’s something I can control. I can also control what goes into my mouth.  It may sound like a complaint, but it’s really a blessing. I’ve seen what your body betraying you looks like. When you want to walk, but can’t even stand up. I don’t have an excuse other than “it’s too early” or “I don’t really feel like it”. Too bad.

I accidentally kept my Audible membership going for a few months and racked up some credits  Today I purchased The 5 Second Rule: Transform your Life, Work, and Confidence with Everyday Courage. The basic premise is that when you have an idea. you have about 5 seconds before your brain begins to talk you out of it. Therefore, you have to countdown and then “GO” – take action. That’s all I know right now. I’ll have to listen for the rest.

This ties into my excuses because I need to find a way to circumvent them. I can feel it when I start to weasel out of exercising. Instead, I just need to “GO” – running, to the gym, do an exercise tape. Don’t wait. Just grab the bare essentials and go.

30 days to go….

30 Days. 

I was so close to being somewhat normal. Then I scales back on the medication, started eating everything in sight and now I’m a mess. 

I have a big event in a month followed by a beach trip. I’m not going to look anywhere near like what I wanted. I lack discipline. So part of me thinks why bother? But I know I can’t listen to that voice otherwise I’ll keep hiding from the world.

Day 37

Down 12.9. 

I’m on 3 mg now. I’ve been lucky not to feel any side affects. I only become nauseous if I don’t eat for long periods. Otherwise, I’m good. I notice I feel really  full. So tmuch so that I dsometimesdon’t eat for fear that I’ve binge and then I tremember that I actually haven’t, weigh myself to be certain and then go eat. Crazy.

I need to work out. I’ve been scared to because I don’t think it’ll matter. Maybe it won’t but I have to try. It’s only 45 mins a day. I’ve wasted that time doing other dumb stuff.  I can try doing that for a few weeks. 
However, I am proud to say I have tried something new. I’ve been doing one sit up a day. Trying an incremental approach to exercise. I’m up to 16.  Sadly, it’s not getting any easier, but I’m still doing them. 

This is where I’ll see if the drug really makes a difference. I’ve been able to get down to this weight before by doing WW and wwatching what impossible eat. If impossible can drop another 5-10lbs within the next six weeks, then I’ll know this is for real.